Dreaming of Home

“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power…Someplace where we can be free.” -Starhawk

Seems like no matter where I am, I’m longing for home. Not my dorm at school, nor my parents’ house on Long Island, but some kind of life where I’m surrounded by (or have easy access to) people with similar dispositions. Queer people who shine bright. Men, women, third, and fourth genders reclaiming their roles as mediators, artists, magi, sacred sex workers, and teachers. And deathwalkers.

I’m greeted with so many images that run contrary to this…that make it seem much further away than it really is. Our refusal to disassociate with the dominant heteronormative paradigm results in internalized homophobia and a misunderstanding of what bonds between us really mean.

A lack of community leads us to wander the Village at 3 am, staring at one another, hoping for conversation or, perhaps, less. It leads us to being followed for 6 blocks, a strange guy grabbing your ass at every turn. A realization that whatever you’re searching for, you won’t find it here.

I’m trying to replace my disillusionment with ambition. Starhawk’s quote, I’m sure, rings true for many more than myself. And it seems that, no matter how wrapped up in maya (illusion) I get, I’m always brought back to that purpose of mine. Fostering community.

Near the end of my last relationship, I pulled some cards on my options and was confused by the 9 of Wands that crept up. In my Cosmic Tribe deck, it signifies owning one’s place in a Community. It took a few weeks, but I began to get the hint that, perhaps, putting all of my emotional eggs in one basket (as fuzzy and well-built as that basket may be) was not going to suit me at this time in my life. That maybe my desire to be desired, my desire to share love and affection, would be better put to use in a wide circle of people who care for one another. I don’t think it’s polyamory as much as it’s a re-orienting of my priorities.

So, I have a fucked up, depressing experience the other night and stumble across this quote today. I revel in “coincidences”. Here’s to a summer of understanding what it means to be of service in a community setting.

Oh, and on concerning the last post, I’m pretty sure of what I’m going to do, but definitely have to wait till I’m out of the house to do the work.

Post-Semester Crazy

My semester ended somewhat roughly and after three days and traveling through 6 states, I find myself back in my hometown catching my breath (sort of). Here’s what went down:

Thursday - Handed in my final portfolio for a class that was desperately trying to beat the crap out of me all semester, despite the fact that I loved it so and cried for mercy numerous times.

Saturday – Turned 22 amidst the clutter of a room and campus in mid-pack for the summer. Come eve, frivolity did in fact ensue (I’ll leave the details to your imagination).

Sunday – Headed up to Wendell, MA with Karin, my wifey, to help her move into her summer internship cabin at the most adorable little farm run by a lesbian separatist couple “who returned to the land in the 70s”. Um…that’s friggin’ amazing.

Then we drove to her Dad’s in Bushkill, PA, stayed the night, and on…

Monday – Drove down to where I’ll be interning this summer — Four Quarters Interfaith Earth Sanctuary — in Artemas, PA. I had my first camping experience on a beautiful piece of empty land under a bright full moon that illuminated the area. It truly signified a completion for me.

Tuesday morning we dropped off most of my stuff in the dorms and headed up to our hometown on Long Island where we’ll be staying until this weekend before departing to our respective crunchy internships.

Needless to say, I’m in a transition period (which, if you know me at all, spells CATNIP). Hence, the 6 of Swords image at the top of this post. The card’s symbolism speaks to more than just my travel to PA in a few days, but to this time in my life. It’s the first time I’m going to be surrounded by lots of Pagans and the first time I’ll be in semi-wilderness for an extended period…and my last summer before graduating from college.

That whole “what’s my purpose?” thing is kicking in hardcore and I’m hoping that a summer exploring both my independence and my place in a Pagan community will be fruitful. And I’m thinking that time away from a college town (spelled “boys”) will be good for me too as there’s a couple of things — patterns, habits, etc. — I’d like to put in check before letting myself get swept off my feet again.

Despite of the hard physical work I’m expecting to do this summer (and some leftover homework), I’m definitely hoping to strengthen my practice. This goes especially for those techniques that are directly tied to the natural world, which I’ll be surrounded by. I hope to post a lot more “magickal” stuff, a lot more pictures, and a lot more about my daily life as it won’t be filled with humdrum papers and e-mails for a while.

Feel free to send some light my way for a safe and healthy arrival. Much thanks in advance.

Oh, and keeping me company on this journey is the novel I’ve been wanting to read for about a year now — Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods”. WOOT! It’s bomb. More about that later.