More Recent Notes From the Journal

Sunday, 9.7.08

I dreamt about bats last night. Large ones, as large as I am, in an alley with me at night. Three of them. One was two-headed. I was at least partially aware of the fact that I was dreaming and I asked myself, as they moved around me, if they were my totem animal and, if so, what qualities of theirs might be important for me to incorporate into my life. The only adjective I could conjure was “aggressive”.

Tonight (after the day had ended), I was walking home when I heard a sound and saw three bats swoop into the sky above me. I’d never seen bats fly in real life and I haven’t seen a bat in-person at all since I was very young.

In Less Than 24 Hours…

This week has been a busy one with me in relatively intense preparation for a trip I’ve been wanting to take since February of this year. In less than 24 hours, I will be on the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, helping build bunk beds and learning about Lakota culture and history with the organization RE-MEMBER.

I don’t think I’ve talked at all about my senior thesis on this blog as of yet, but there’s plenty of time for that later. For now, suffice it to say, I feel blessed to be able to go on this trip and volunteer in one of the most economically impoverished areas of the U.S. of A. And I also feel incredibly privileged that research for my thesis (which focuses mostly on the Lakota third-gender winkte role, the Ghost Dance, and the Wounded Knee Massacre) will not be limited to books and videos. I will get to be on the land and be able to stand as a witness to the lives of those for whom the 1890 massacre is remembered daily — a people who still await reparations for the land and lives that were taken in the 19th century and whose lives today are a testament to endurance and hope in the face of ethnic and environmentally racist bureaucracy. A story with resonance for many peoples on this continent.

Needless to say, the politics surrounding people-of-color goes far beyond mere black/white/latino/asian demographics, but few seem to look at the American frontier of the 19th century as a site that testifies to the interrelatedness of oppressions across class and ethnic boundaries. Splintered groups and sub-groups do not recognize the depths of common experience on this land, America, which I’m only recently realizing I have much greater ethnic and spiritual ties to than I ever thought (or hoped). In my own work (in the long run), I am eager to do more work in the in-between — bridging communities of color, helping to tell all of our stories, and honoring the collective voice that rises to meet both the heavens and the fists of the ignorant and blind. All my relations.

I will not have computer access over the next week, but I am eager to detail my experience upon my arrival back in New England.

Continuing the Subject of Community…

So, some of you might not read T. Thorn Coyle’s blog, but you should. Check the blogroll.

Her second most recent blogpost -5.28.08- was actually as a guest blogpost for Jason Pitzl-Waters of The Wild Hunt.

But yeah…you should read it. Though it doesn’t necessarily focus on issues at large facing men-who-love-men, it’s still really good.

Check it out: Community Vision

Dreaming of Home

“We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power…Someplace where we can be free.” -Starhawk

Seems like no matter where I am, I’m longing for home. Not my dorm at school, nor my parents’ house on Long Island, but some kind of life where I’m surrounded by (or have easy access to) people with similar dispositions. Queer people who shine bright. Men, women, third, and fourth genders reclaiming their roles as mediators, artists, magi, sacred sex workers, and teachers. And deathwalkers.

I’m greeted with so many images that run contrary to this…that make it seem much further away than it really is. Our refusal to disassociate with the dominant heteronormative paradigm results in internalized homophobia and a misunderstanding of what bonds between us really mean.

A lack of community leads us to wander the Village at 3 am, staring at one another, hoping for conversation or, perhaps, less. It leads us to being followed for 6 blocks, a strange guy grabbing your ass at every turn. A realization that whatever you’re searching for, you won’t find it here.

I’m trying to replace my disillusionment with ambition. Starhawk’s quote, I’m sure, rings true for many more than myself. And it seems that, no matter how wrapped up in maya (illusion) I get, I’m always brought back to that purpose of mine. Fostering community.

Near the end of my last relationship, I pulled some cards on my options and was confused by the 9 of Wands that crept up. In my Cosmic Tribe deck, it signifies owning one’s place in a Community. It took a few weeks, but I began to get the hint that, perhaps, putting all of my emotional eggs in one basket (as fuzzy and well-built as that basket may be) was not going to suit me at this time in my life. That maybe my desire to be desired, my desire to share love and affection, would be better put to use in a wide circle of people who care for one another. I don’t think it’s polyamory as much as it’s a re-orienting of my priorities.

So, I have a fucked up, depressing experience the other night and stumble across this quote today. I revel in “coincidences”. Here’s to a summer of understanding what it means to be of service in a community setting.

Oh, and on concerning the last post, I’m pretty sure of what I’m going to do, but definitely have to wait till I’m out of the house to do the work.